Harder Than Any Bones

Its like I'm traversing a great mountain where there are only 3 kinds of climbers: the one who reaches the top, the one who loses his hope and quits, and the one who is forced to quit. For the mean time, I'am looking at the far peak, which is still a long way to go, and my feet are standing right at the dangerous part of the mountain called the Great Cliff, shaking. Although I'm anxious for the tough trek I'm gonna go through, I still can't afford to quit for I've already gone too far. But within this worried body, is a soul of a mere climber, who is dreaming nothing but to reach the top, no matter how hard.

Being in this uniform of the college I'm attending, College of Veterinary Medicine, is such a delightful thing. For two years, never came a day that I didn't feel jealous to any Vet Med students who are already in uniform. In those years, I did my very best to fail none of my subjects, so that I can say to myself when the time comes that I'll have my own, I deserve wearing this. For me, having this uniform sewed with my body measurements is a dream come true.

I always make sure that my shoes are shined and my uniform is ironed. When I move, I move with gentleness and care. Certainly, I don't want to put any stain on my uniform. And you know what's funny, all of my batchmates do the same things too! But as days go by, I, myself (and i know my batchmates too) is starting to feel displeasure having these sewed cloth on.

I can still remember how do I study during my preparatory years. I do study whenever I have exams, and when I don't have any, NO PRESSURE. Most of my nightly hours go for sleep, and when I woke up, I have nothing to worry. Those years aren't that easy, but there is a wide difference between studying hard subjects vigorously and studying hard subjects calmly.

Now, I just can't do same things as before. Main reasons are: (a) we must earn atleast 75% out of 100% of the total requirement in able to pass our subjects, unlike before that we only need to satisfy atleast 50%;  (b) we are taking pre-clinical sciences now, which are all totally different from our high school subjects and general education subjects; and (c) we are now being taught and handled in a no terror way, but in a horrifying way. At this point of learning, you'll know that college isn't really made as a place for learning, it is actually made as a pressure cooker. Heavy loads, heavy subjects, heavy passing rates, heavy expenses, and even heavier expectations from our heavy parents, how can one disagree that this is not a pressure cooker?

Let me share you something. In every time that our profs tell us that were gonna have our exams in few days by now, my heart always wobble in fear.There is always an apprehension that disturbs my innocence: with the wide extent of our coverage, and with the narrowness of my allowable mistakes, would I pass? and if I do, would I really pass with flying colors? And if I fail, how am I gonna tell it to my mom? And the worst? It is when after those questions disturb my mind, a bit of memory then haunts me. In the back of my mind I can see the face of my tired mom saying: Doi, you study hard. Its OK if you get 3.0, but never let any of your subjects to fail. Me and your dad are striving hard, doing all things possible, just to sustain your expenses in school. We are not doing this for our own good, but were doing it for you, so you help yourself reach your goal. Understood son? And that freaks me out.

What I do next is I go to the market and eat my dinner early, and go straight to my room and study, study, study, study, until I drop my book from my hand. In few minutes, unconsciously I'am realizing that I am actually sleeping, so what I do next is I do my best to open my eyes, and the hardest thing to do next is to keep it open. Right after I finish reading the first book, I move to the next book; performing the art of cross-referencing. Until I find something that opposes a fact given by the first book, and I just can't help myself but spend a long time wondering who's telling right! And as I go further, I see another flaw, and another flaw again, and more and more flaws until I see the clock that tells its already pass midnight, and I badly need to have my sleep now. When I wake up, its already 6 AM, and that simply tells me that I gotta be quick in preparing myself for school in the next hour! Just imagine that, Carl Ace as born not genius and brainy enough to engulf and retain all the knowledge that I must learn is doing his best to cope up with this stressing situation. And again, I believe I'm not alone, for many of my batchmates with the same level of intellectual capacity as me are on the same struggle too.

Its a triumph if I pass the exam, but its a major downfall if after all that I have done, I failed. This situation that me and my batchmates that are still adapting now is quite different from before. This is a risky game for victory, and just like Super Mario, a wrong step would cost him a life. That's why all of us do all the ways possible to endure, to adapt, and to pass these primary challenges that we are facing for the mean time. And hey, all the ways possible is like studying with no more sleep, studying with heavy prayers, or studying and then reviewing at the 11th hour an old test paper of the previous people who finished the subjects that we are facing. I am no innocent, and I am honest to tell you that I did certainly all the ways possible. I, myself and my parents too has invested already a lot for this, and I just can't let myself fail just because the amount of effort I've exerted is still less.

I guess what makes this situation hard is the fact that I AM STILL ADJUSTING. I'm still learning how do my profs deliver their lessons and give exams. I'm still observing my batchmates in this new environment--who's gonna stay as a friend who will help me likewisely, who's gonna be a friend who will cling to me parasitically, who's gonna be a friend that will share to me delightful and uplifting words of wisdom but  absent when needed, and who's gonna be a friend who will be selfish enough to forget our friendship just to excel in the competition that only exist in his or her mind. I'm at a situation which is really hard to endure, harder than any bones in our Anatomy class. But in this tough fight between me and this uncertainty, I know I have to win. Not because I've already come too far, not because I'm pressured by my parents, not because I'm afraid of the shame of failing, but because this is what I want.

Its like I'm traversing a great mountain where there are only 3 kinds of climbers: the one who reaches the top, the one who loses his hope and quits, and the one who is forced to quit. My eyes are looking at the far peak, and my feet are carefully taking short steps while walking on this dangerous cliff. I don't wanna be the second type of climber, nor the third one. I know this would be hard, but at the end of this trail is the peak--where every one who dared to pursue, every one who suffered but didn't quit, and everyone who did continued amidst all the hardships, sweats, and tears-- has reached. This challenge is harder than any bones, but the word success is at the end. So no one must dare to take a step behind.