"My friends think I'm moving on,
But the truth is I'm not that strong.
Nobody knows it but me. .
I kept all the words you said,
On a box underneath my bed.
Nobody knows it but me. .
But if your happy, I'll get through somehow.
.
But the truth is I've been screaming out. ."
Teary eyes. How am i going to start this...uhm...
Just like Regina Spektor's "The Call":
And look at me now. I end up singing Lady Antebellum's "All We'd Ever Need".
Maybe some things are just meant to end up like this. For I gave hope a damn chance, here is a me, ended up bullshitted. If I had only believed my friends (and my superego) saying its not going to work out and it would just hurt, i must not have been like this---every night crying on my pillow while my soul's screaming my prayers.
It was 6 months ago since my weird hypothalamus forced my heart to beat for "Spongebob". Since then, I look forward to wake up every morning seeing his face; going to school and sit beside or near his seat; and eating beside or in-front his beautiful smile.
My effort was never wasted. At that time, he pays attention to me; talks and laughs with me; and enjoys our early college days together with me. For that, I felt that somehow, though I know it couldn't be more than this, I'm special for him.
My life story with Spongebob flowed smoothly, like a deep river of friendship until one day, we had a misunderstanding. Its not really a big deal but it ruined a lot. For 3 weeks, we never spoke with each other. And it just trudged its way worse than ever after our Humanities 11 field trip, when I discovered logically that he feels something like love to my closest friend. Like buildings falling down to their knees, my world waned.
Like a deep peaceful river that soon would end up to the wanderer's sea, we came to a sudden end. Prayers beseeching God to help me forget Spongebob became a nightly ritual to my life. Till one day, pain finally fully drained my barrels of tears, I learned to accept things and moved on. But goddamn it, I never actually did.
Though I knew that my Spongebob had found someone to love, my foolish heart still continued loving him, and never came to an end. Like a fish in sardines can, I kept on forcing my mere presence to fit, and never had realized that loving a person whose already in love with someone else is like shooting myself with a gun of unlimited bullets.
Sembreak: The Start of the End.
After an outing with Spongebob and our friends, they invited me to sleep on the dorm where Spongebob sleeps. Without thinking about something you know, I, with full innocence, accepted the invitation. If I just knew then what I know now, I must have not bit on the evil's bait.
"Lord, please keep me away from temptation," my prayer before I slept. But for a temptation served as you wished, who would have dream of escaping? I bit, and was reeled. He offered me to sleep with him, got no choice (for other bets got no cushion and sheath), I did. He then offered some dark game, you know, but I stood resistant of the word "NO", for I know that in the morning he would soon realize how creepy what we could have done, and he would hate me for life.
But Justin Time know its rules, and Grim Reaper had finally succeed in pushing me down to my grave, alive. His insistence gave me no escape. A kiss blew me away from my feet. It started with a kiss, and the rest is history. Let's put it simply this way, the night gave me all the time to explore his temple.Til now I couldn't believe on what happened. I never dreamed or craved for this, but the most impossible things to exist just paved its way to existence.
I did that for I love him. But he did it out of lust--he just felt horny.
We decided to keep that as a secret. But I cant stand it. Every night I cry because of the fact that even though we made love, Spongebob never loved me like I do. Do you know how it feels? It's like you want to explode, you want to escape the painful fact. I even attempted suicide. But I guess loads of medicine is not enough to end my agony. I woke up in the morning; failed.
Cornered, I seek for advice. I told my 3 closest friends about what happen. But my fault is one of my closest friend is the woman she love. I didn't mean to turn her off, really. But I guess it's too late.
Truth or Dare: An Ender's Game.
The pen pointed me. "TRUTH," I exclaimed.
"Did something really happen between you and "Spongebob"?
And there the world turned upside-down. Lips paled. Knees knocked each other faster than the speed of my heartbeat.
"How come he knew?" The only thing inside me rolling.
All of them are screaming its obvious! And I screamed NOTHING HAPPENED.
"Hey, I got a tricky question, when you did it, with clothes or with out clothes?"
I answered faster than the speed of light. "WITH CLOTHES!"
I was dis-oriented mentally at that moment, and I thought "with clothes" as an answer would save me. But it's too late when I realized it.
Aftermath: The End.
Telling them to keep it didn't save me. As expected, he knew about the truth or dare thingy, and our secret was no less than a hot topic roaming around our circle of friends.
"And you're so proud?!"
He bawled through text. I tried to stay calm but he never did. All the taboo word that he could scream he screamed. But I still managed to control my emotions. It's my own damn pole-vault anyway.
The day after, I seek for an advice from our common friend. At her side, my tears conquered its barrier. I cried. I cried til the last tear dried on the table.
"It would really hurt." She said.
Days later, he told me that he's sorry for all of those words. He also said that we have to forget that thing happened. But he requested that for the meantime, he wont love our past friendship would come back as is.
I kept a distance. Not just because he requested but because I lost the trust that I gave to our friends.
After Club Praise: What was Ended has Ended.
Thru SMS:
SP: What's wrong. Everything has ended.
Me: Bitch. Lusty.Insensitive. Fuck. Shit. Yawa. I never heard so much of that meant for me til the day I met you.
SP: I have already said sorry, Carl.And please understand me, I was drunk that time.But, I'm really sorry.
Me: Sorry? What's that? Joke. Well, I just dont get it why the bunch of you pound those words into my eardrum when at first place, I don't deserve it because I am not you. When I dug into history, the only wrong that I did was I hang onto your lust, blinded by the mere fact that I love you more than my dignity.
SP: So you wont really forgive me Carl?
I didn't replied. However, I sent a group message saying:
" If sorry could just heal the pain, I could have used it rather than attempting suicide."
Actually, I have already forgiven him, since the day he caused me too pain. However, forgiveness is different when it comes to my perspective. Forgiveness is just a gate for a new beginning, never a cure for a problem. Still, my broken trust to my friends is under construction, and it would really take time to gain full cure.
Pride is really a barrier.
"Lord God, I hope the day would come that he would realize how much I love him. But now I'm not wishing to have him. Just give him the happiness he wants, and I'll be happy. Don't mind if it would hurt me. In Christ I pray. Amen."
But the truth is I'm not that strong.
Nobody knows it but me. .
I kept all the words you said,
On a box underneath my bed.
Nobody knows it but me. .
But if your happy, I'll get through somehow.
.
But the truth is I've been screaming out. ."
Teary eyes. How am i going to start this...uhm...
Just like Regina Spektor's "The Call":
It started out as a feeling,
which then grew into a hope;
which then turned into a quiet thought;
which then turned into a quiet word.
And then that word grew louder and louder ---
until it was a battle cry.
which then grew into a hope;
which then turned into a quiet thought;
which then turned into a quiet word.
And then that word grew louder and louder ---
until it was a battle cry.
And look at me now. I end up singing Lady Antebellum's "All We'd Ever Need".
Maybe some things are just meant to end up like this. For I gave hope a damn chance, here is a me, ended up bullshitted. If I had only believed my friends (and my superego) saying its not going to work out and it would just hurt, i must not have been like this---every night crying on my pillow while my soul's screaming my prayers.
It was 6 months ago since my weird hypothalamus forced my heart to beat for "Spongebob". Since then, I look forward to wake up every morning seeing his face; going to school and sit beside or near his seat; and eating beside or in-front his beautiful smile.
My effort was never wasted. At that time, he pays attention to me; talks and laughs with me; and enjoys our early college days together with me. For that, I felt that somehow, though I know it couldn't be more than this, I'm special for him.
My life story with Spongebob flowed smoothly, like a deep river of friendship until one day, we had a misunderstanding. Its not really a big deal but it ruined a lot. For 3 weeks, we never spoke with each other. And it just trudged its way worse than ever after our Humanities 11 field trip, when I discovered logically that he feels something like love to my closest friend. Like buildings falling down to their knees, my world waned.
Like a deep peaceful river that soon would end up to the wanderer's sea, we came to a sudden end. Prayers beseeching God to help me forget Spongebob became a nightly ritual to my life. Till one day, pain finally fully drained my barrels of tears, I learned to accept things and moved on. But goddamn it, I never actually did.
Though I knew that my Spongebob had found someone to love, my foolish heart still continued loving him, and never came to an end. Like a fish in sardines can, I kept on forcing my mere presence to fit, and never had realized that loving a person whose already in love with someone else is like shooting myself with a gun of unlimited bullets.
Sembreak: The Start of the End.
After an outing with Spongebob and our friends, they invited me to sleep on the dorm where Spongebob sleeps. Without thinking about something you know, I, with full innocence, accepted the invitation. If I just knew then what I know now, I must have not bit on the evil's bait.
"Lord, please keep me away from temptation," my prayer before I slept. But for a temptation served as you wished, who would have dream of escaping? I bit, and was reeled. He offered me to sleep with him, got no choice (for other bets got no cushion and sheath), I did. He then offered some dark game, you know, but I stood resistant of the word "NO", for I know that in the morning he would soon realize how creepy what we could have done, and he would hate me for life.
But Justin Time know its rules, and Grim Reaper had finally succeed in pushing me down to my grave, alive. His insistence gave me no escape. A kiss blew me away from my feet. It started with a kiss, and the rest is history. Let's put it simply this way, the night gave me all the time to explore his temple.Til now I couldn't believe on what happened. I never dreamed or craved for this, but the most impossible things to exist just paved its way to existence.
I did that for I love him. But he did it out of lust--he just felt horny.
We decided to keep that as a secret. But I cant stand it. Every night I cry because of the fact that even though we made love, Spongebob never loved me like I do. Do you know how it feels? It's like you want to explode, you want to escape the painful fact. I even attempted suicide. But I guess loads of medicine is not enough to end my agony. I woke up in the morning; failed.
Cornered, I seek for advice. I told my 3 closest friends about what happen. But my fault is one of my closest friend is the woman she love. I didn't mean to turn her off, really. But I guess it's too late.
Truth or Dare: An Ender's Game.
The pen pointed me. "TRUTH," I exclaimed.
"Did something really happen between you and "Spongebob"?
And there the world turned upside-down. Lips paled. Knees knocked each other faster than the speed of my heartbeat.
"How come he knew?" The only thing inside me rolling.
All of them are screaming its obvious! And I screamed NOTHING HAPPENED.
"Hey, I got a tricky question, when you did it, with clothes or with out clothes?"
I answered faster than the speed of light. "WITH CLOTHES!"
I was dis-oriented mentally at that moment, and I thought "with clothes" as an answer would save me. But it's too late when I realized it.
Aftermath: The End.
Telling them to keep it didn't save me. As expected, he knew about the truth or dare thingy, and our secret was no less than a hot topic roaming around our circle of friends.
"And you're so proud?!"
He bawled through text. I tried to stay calm but he never did. All the taboo word that he could scream he screamed. But I still managed to control my emotions. It's my own damn pole-vault anyway.
The day after, I seek for an advice from our common friend. At her side, my tears conquered its barrier. I cried. I cried til the last tear dried on the table.
"It would really hurt." She said.
Days later, he told me that he's sorry for all of those words. He also said that we have to forget that thing happened. But he requested that for the meantime, he wont love our past friendship would come back as is.
I kept a distance. Not just because he requested but because I lost the trust that I gave to our friends.
After Club Praise: What was Ended has Ended.
Thru SMS:
SP: What's wrong. Everything has ended.
Me: Bitch. Lusty.Insensitive. Fuck. Shit. Yawa. I never heard so much of that meant for me til the day I met you.
SP: I have already said sorry, Carl.And please understand me, I was drunk that time.But, I'm really sorry.
Me: Sorry? What's that? Joke. Well, I just dont get it why the bunch of you pound those words into my eardrum when at first place, I don't deserve it because I am not you. When I dug into history, the only wrong that I did was I hang onto your lust, blinded by the mere fact that I love you more than my dignity.
SP: So you wont really forgive me Carl?
I didn't replied. However, I sent a group message saying:
" If sorry could just heal the pain, I could have used it rather than attempting suicide."
Actually, I have already forgiven him, since the day he caused me too pain. However, forgiveness is different when it comes to my perspective. Forgiveness is just a gate for a new beginning, never a cure for a problem. Still, my broken trust to my friends is under construction, and it would really take time to gain full cure.
Pride is really a barrier.
"Lord God, I hope the day would come that he would realize how much I love him. But now I'm not wishing to have him. Just give him the happiness he wants, and I'll be happy. Don't mind if it would hurt me. In Christ I pray. Amen."
