Sacri 2.0: Yanie, the Sacrificial Dog

Do you know the feeling when someone is dying helplessly infront of you? Someone who can’t say “no”, can’t say “please not me”; someone who can’t even beg you to save her life. Do you know how it feels like seeing someone who’s blankly wondering what’s gonna happen? Scared but can’t run, can’t even scream? I’ve been in that situation. My eyes are staring at the procedure that I must learn, but my heart is crying in pity as I see right infront of me another Sacri, the sacrificial dog.

That was Wednesday morning, when the sun was shining bright, but my body seemed like it has a frozen core. I woke up late, so I needed to move fast. I knew what’s going to happen later that morning, so I packed what I need: face mask, surgical gloves, scalpel holder and blades, and different forceps. I came late at my Zootechnics 52 class, and surprised by a quiz. Happy that I answered all satisfactorily, but my smile faded immediately when I saw the dog that we’re gonna use for our Gross Anatomy Laboratory.

Yanie, that’s her name. She’s a mongrel, ASKAL as we call her kind, but her gloomy eyes are filled with life. She has a brown and white coat infected with fleas. She’s so thin, and her ribs are all bulging. Some of who saw her say it’s ok if she dies, because she’s not lovely at all. But for me, life is life, and it has same definition between a cared and loved dog to a thin and ugly dog; same as between a human and a mere askal. But even if I felt apologetic towards the poor Yanie, she still needs to face her fate, so that I will be able to learn.

Time came that Yanie has to be euthanized. I wore my Laboratory gown at same time that Yanie was lifted at the table. That time, her eyes are scanning our faces, same as the other group’s black dog at the other table. I know she wanted to jump down, or to bark at us, but she just couldn’t, for her schnozzle was muzzled and her thin body was restrained by several hands. When our teacher placed the basin beside the table, she said we must make sure that the blood will drain down there. That certain moment I know I’m not dreaming at all, and that was really happening.

One of my classmates went out and cried. I know she felt sorry, I know we felt the same and perhaps the whole class too. But I just told myself repeatedly that I have to be insensitive for the moment for this is part of learning.

A clinician student did the euthanasia for us. When he injected the Zolitol to Yanie, she felt down immediately. Before he incised her throat, he first taught us how to get blood from her vein. She was under the influence of the drug, so she was unresponsive to pain. But when he started to open her throat, I can see that Yanie is feeling the pain. I felt so uncomfortable when he cut her jugular vein. Blood was flowing out of her body, and she was just so helpless. As blood flows out of her, many of my classmates can’t afford to stay numb. “Kaluoy niya”, “Ouch, sakita pud ana ui”, “Wala na si Yanie”.

I did my best to stay insensitive, to always think that this is for the sake of learning. But all of my walls bagged down to pieces when we started to inject formalin and let it circulate in her body. For a moment, her body shook intensely. “Look at her taking her last breath,” said Kent, the clinician.

Just think of this, few hours ago Yanie was alive, and few hours later, Yanie was all cold and stiff body wrapped in cloth, placed in the fridge. When I went out of the room, an article about a Vet student who’s been in same situation as mine 2 years ago constantly bangs my mind. Santi. That’s his dog, which he took care for days before they dissected him. That achy feeling that wrapped my body as my eyes read the painful experience of that Vet student few years ago came back to me like 10x more. It is really painful to see someone dying infront of me. And you know what’s more painful? It is when you know that the one dying can’t even speak for herself; can’t even ask us ‘why?”.

But facing the reality, Carl Ace is a Vet Med student, and that simply means there will be more and more of like this as I go further. There will be more Yanie needed to be sacrifice for the sake of learning. And if God allows, thinking of Veterinary Medicine as my profession, all of the sacrificed animals starting from the frogs to the ascaris, to the starfishes and different arthropods, up to Yanie, the sacrificial dog, and including the animals that will be used in the future, their lives won’t be wasted, their pain wont be left overdue, for they are part of my foundation, all I learned and gonna learned out of them would make me a better veterinarian to be efficient in saving lives.

The Wednesday sun came to set at the horizon, and before the sky totally turned blue and gray, one realization cracked out of the experience I gone through that day. Not because they can’t speak, nor they can’t reason, nor simply because they think less comprehensively than humans, they feel less pain. Their inferiority towards human doesn’t allow us though to inflict them pain. But SCIENCE NEED SACRIFICE, and learning needs something like Yanie’s fate. I’m so thankful for Yanie for giving up her life for me, and for my batchmates. And as a promise, your life won’t be wasted. We won’t allow letting ourselves, myself, to fail this subject, Gross Anatomy and sacrifice another dog just to try to pass again. 

For me to learn Gross Anatomy, one life is enough; one corpse is already sufficient to learn what must be learned. This is a sad truth, but someone has to be sacrificed for my education. But I don’t think that was depressing, because I believe that was actually motivating! Life for lives; Yanie for the future animals who need me. 

To Yanie, I promise, we promise, your life won’t be wasted, and we won’t let ourselves to repeat your fate to another Yanie, another sacrificial dog.

Harder Than Any Bones

Its like I'm traversing a great mountain where there are only 3 kinds of climbers: the one who reaches the top, the one who loses his hope and quits, and the one who is forced to quit. For the mean time, I'am looking at the far peak, which is still a long way to go, and my feet are standing right at the dangerous part of the mountain called the Great Cliff, shaking. Although I'm anxious for the tough trek I'm gonna go through, I still can't afford to quit for I've already gone too far. But within this worried body, is a soul of a mere climber, who is dreaming nothing but to reach the top, no matter how hard.

Being in this uniform of the college I'm attending, College of Veterinary Medicine, is such a delightful thing. For two years, never came a day that I didn't feel jealous to any Vet Med students who are already in uniform. In those years, I did my very best to fail none of my subjects, so that I can say to myself when the time comes that I'll have my own, I deserve wearing this. For me, having this uniform sewed with my body measurements is a dream come true.

I always make sure that my shoes are shined and my uniform is ironed. When I move, I move with gentleness and care. Certainly, I don't want to put any stain on my uniform. And you know what's funny, all of my batchmates do the same things too! But as days go by, I, myself (and i know my batchmates too) is starting to feel displeasure having these sewed cloth on.

I can still remember how do I study during my preparatory years. I do study whenever I have exams, and when I don't have any, NO PRESSURE. Most of my nightly hours go for sleep, and when I woke up, I have nothing to worry. Those years aren't that easy, but there is a wide difference between studying hard subjects vigorously and studying hard subjects calmly.

Now, I just can't do same things as before. Main reasons are: (a) we must earn atleast 75% out of 100% of the total requirement in able to pass our subjects, unlike before that we only need to satisfy atleast 50%;  (b) we are taking pre-clinical sciences now, which are all totally different from our high school subjects and general education subjects; and (c) we are now being taught and handled in a no terror way, but in a horrifying way. At this point of learning, you'll know that college isn't really made as a place for learning, it is actually made as a pressure cooker. Heavy loads, heavy subjects, heavy passing rates, heavy expenses, and even heavier expectations from our heavy parents, how can one disagree that this is not a pressure cooker?

Let me share you something. In every time that our profs tell us that were gonna have our exams in few days by now, my heart always wobble in fear.There is always an apprehension that disturbs my innocence: with the wide extent of our coverage, and with the narrowness of my allowable mistakes, would I pass? and if I do, would I really pass with flying colors? And if I fail, how am I gonna tell it to my mom? And the worst? It is when after those questions disturb my mind, a bit of memory then haunts me. In the back of my mind I can see the face of my tired mom saying: Doi, you study hard. Its OK if you get 3.0, but never let any of your subjects to fail. Me and your dad are striving hard, doing all things possible, just to sustain your expenses in school. We are not doing this for our own good, but were doing it for you, so you help yourself reach your goal. Understood son? And that freaks me out.

What I do next is I go to the market and eat my dinner early, and go straight to my room and study, study, study, study, until I drop my book from my hand. In few minutes, unconsciously I'am realizing that I am actually sleeping, so what I do next is I do my best to open my eyes, and the hardest thing to do next is to keep it open. Right after I finish reading the first book, I move to the next book; performing the art of cross-referencing. Until I find something that opposes a fact given by the first book, and I just can't help myself but spend a long time wondering who's telling right! And as I go further, I see another flaw, and another flaw again, and more and more flaws until I see the clock that tells its already pass midnight, and I badly need to have my sleep now. When I wake up, its already 6 AM, and that simply tells me that I gotta be quick in preparing myself for school in the next hour! Just imagine that, Carl Ace as born not genius and brainy enough to engulf and retain all the knowledge that I must learn is doing his best to cope up with this stressing situation. And again, I believe I'm not alone, for many of my batchmates with the same level of intellectual capacity as me are on the same struggle too.

Its a triumph if I pass the exam, but its a major downfall if after all that I have done, I failed. This situation that me and my batchmates that are still adapting now is quite different from before. This is a risky game for victory, and just like Super Mario, a wrong step would cost him a life. That's why all of us do all the ways possible to endure, to adapt, and to pass these primary challenges that we are facing for the mean time. And hey, all the ways possible is like studying with no more sleep, studying with heavy prayers, or studying and then reviewing at the 11th hour an old test paper of the previous people who finished the subjects that we are facing. I am no innocent, and I am honest to tell you that I did certainly all the ways possible. I, myself and my parents too has invested already a lot for this, and I just can't let myself fail just because the amount of effort I've exerted is still less.

I guess what makes this situation hard is the fact that I AM STILL ADJUSTING. I'm still learning how do my profs deliver their lessons and give exams. I'm still observing my batchmates in this new environment--who's gonna stay as a friend who will help me likewisely, who's gonna be a friend who will cling to me parasitically, who's gonna be a friend that will share to me delightful and uplifting words of wisdom but  absent when needed, and who's gonna be a friend who will be selfish enough to forget our friendship just to excel in the competition that only exist in his or her mind. I'm at a situation which is really hard to endure, harder than any bones in our Anatomy class. But in this tough fight between me and this uncertainty, I know I have to win. Not because I've already come too far, not because I'm pressured by my parents, not because I'm afraid of the shame of failing, but because this is what I want.

Its like I'm traversing a great mountain where there are only 3 kinds of climbers: the one who reaches the top, the one who loses his hope and quits, and the one who is forced to quit. My eyes are looking at the far peak, and my feet are carefully taking short steps while walking on this dangerous cliff. I don't wanna be the second type of climber, nor the third one. I know this would be hard, but at the end of this trail is the peak--where every one who dared to pursue, every one who suffered but didn't quit, and everyone who did continued amidst all the hardships, sweats, and tears-- has reached. This challenge is harder than any bones, but the word success is at the end. So no one must dare to take a step behind.