What We Used to Be

Misunderstandings untangled kill like bandits:

You might stay silent until you know it’s too late.

Puzzles unsolved raze like speckled grenades:

In time they’ll become the reason for distance forever.

Sometimes I break down, I fall apart.

I think I miss you but I’m locked with no choice.

Sometimes I fall asleep wondering where did I fell short?

And wake up limp with your absence beside me.

I believed in destiny like how I trusted love,

 (Felt safe merely by the stares of your eyes)

But then now I just feel imperfect; unworthy.

I must have missed the boat that just sailed away.

I never promised to give you the stars and the skies,

Yet I did swear to live beneath them with you forever.

That’s why it’s hard for me seeing us changing,

But the worst is remembering how happy we used to be.

Vows and the Ring

A ring to a true lover is beyond a mere symbol of commitment. It is a vow of love until forever. It is a memento of the whole journey of one’s romantic rapport. But for a broken-hearted true lover, it is a reminder of a broken vow; a keepsake of a romantic journey-gone-wrong. Being one of the latter, that’s what I felt. Startlingly, you, my last lover proved me wrong.

I can still remember that night when you gave me this ring in my left hand. I can still feel the unforgettable bliss when you were right there infront of me, speaking your vows out of love while you were giving me the ring. Certainly, at that very moment, I imagined myself wrapped in your loving arms in the golden year of our marriage; like a happy paramour! But imagination stays fictitious as long as it stays an imagination; you certainly decided to make me miss that daydream of mine.

Yes ours was a journey in a rough road. It’s quite too short compared to forever, but we both know that we gambled to endure the struggles and challenges over this one strange love affair. Though ours was so happy - packed with numerous and exceptional chronicles of dates and strolling in the tune of our heartbeats - ours was also painful, embedded with tearful memoirs of misunderstandings and mistrusts. Yet we dared to keep our vows true till forever, but you gave up, and broke my heart.

Through the pain, I just cry at agonizing nights and face the day with a smile. I kept on denying the worst heartache of my life, thus, I chose to keep my thinnest string of chance with you. I kept on proving to you that I love you so much (and somehow I tried to do things that would make you regret if you totally abandon me), but I just end up tired.

We both know that what I only wish is to be with you even in your last year in college. So that it’s you that I will first give my smile in the day, and the last face I would see before I close my eyes. We are like that when we are still totally madly inlove, but you know that I didn’t wish that to repair our broken vows, I just wish to satisfy my heart that still screams your name.

Afraid that I might not fully give you the freedom that you want if I’m you stay with me; you fooled me and ruled my heart with your hoax reasons. Like a dumb, I thought those were true! I wept over and over again at nights that I miss you, and only this ring that you gave me is what I sleep with at those nights when I wish you’re here with me.

Sometimes, I just find myself staring at the ring, unconsciously reminiscing the days that we were like having the time of our lives. Yes, I just think that it is you hugging not just one of my fingers but my whole body at times that I can’t bear the pain of missing you anymore.

As the saying goes, no smoke will hide forever, and I learned your dirty secret. You saw me that certain night crying so hard in front of you. I cried not just because I lived in your lies but because I pitied myself too much of being a die-hard fool. Carried away by the pain that I’ve cried for, I gave back the ring to you and ask you to give it to the one who you will love for forever.

Stunningly, you received the ring with no regret. But later on, you cried. You that rarely cry cried. “I bought this ring from my own pocket to make you happy. That was real when I gave you my vow. I even had hard time wondering what the size of your finger is. When I went back home and lost my ring, remember, I asked mom to look for it and I wore it back. And now that we are not committed anymore, you still saw me wearing the pair of this one. Go to my room and you will see that I kept it.” Those lines that you spoke keep on hurling on my head for seconds until I was refreshed of the memory of that night when you put it to my finger.

I regretted that I surrendered the ring that reminds me that once in my life, someone truly loved me back. I almost forgot how happy I was realizing that someone and that someone was you, had accepted and loved me for all of me: with few assets and long list of insecurities. I know it’s weird, but at that very moment, all I wanted is to get the ring back.

Disappointed and hurt, like a heartless, you never pitied my embarrassing demand. I cried a lot but nothing changed. And it broke my heart when you threw the ring to the grasses. I cried more and kneeled infront of you, desperately begging you to help me look for it. But to my surprise, you pulled the ring from your pocket and put it back to my finger like the night you first did.

I cried leaning on your upper torso, and you just kept on saying

sorry while kissing my head. That very moment I know you still love me, but also at that time I know that I must accept it all and start moving on.

Comforted, we made new vows. I personally promised that I will not wish anymore to live with you for this last year of yours in college. You also promised not to lie to me anymore and you will try hard not to hurt me once again. But I still can’t deny that I love you still, so I asked you not to enter a new love affair as long as you are here in college because it would surely give me a pain that is synonymous to dying. You promised, not because you pitied me, but because you don’t want me to be hurt that much.

You proved me wrong when I thought that this ring is a reminder of a broken vow; a keepsake of a romantic journey-gone-wrong. You showed to me that this ring is a forever symbol of our love; our love that may not have a happy ending, but for sure will stay in our hearts so much deeper than fairy tales stayed on kids’ hearts.

Soon I’ll get over to this pain, I know. Time will come that I will forget all this heartaches. But for sure never will be the time will come that I’d ever forget you my last lover. As long as this ring will not turn to dust yet, the memories of us will forever be in my heart, just like our memories stay in your heart too.

Lust, As They Say

(A Fucking Friend's Cry)

"Here I am again. Caught up in a whirlwind of desire. All I want is to own you. Nothing less, but wishing for something more. Much more from you."

I must be blind. No, I'am really blind. Why? Because I'm so lost. Lost within the lustful spell of you. Now I'm a nomad of your every curve. A wanderer of your seductive nights. I've never been like this, never been insane like this.

Months ago, your just an ordinary face to me. Not even worthy of my "good morning!". But months earlier, you've change. No, you changed me. I've been a Carl who easily snapped your bait. Then you reeled. Finally, you got me. You got me unconsciously; and you got me happily.

I've been happy revolving my life on the fone, with you on the other line. Suddenly, I've been happier revolving my life around your lips, then to the whole of you. Those days, I know I'm just totally in-lust, but still I pretended that I love you and at that night, remember, we ended up in a commitment. That time I know I'm already walking away to my good Godly road. I chose you, for short. Oh well, that's lust. :/

For 1 week of commitment, commitment that I regret I vowed, we've been in a master-slave symbiotic relationship. You held me in my neck, suffocated till I can suffer no more. I quit.

I thought I wont regret, but 2 months of not seeing you made me scream "I miss you." That time I know this lustful fervor scraped deep in my heart, bloomed to something I'm not sure but love. I had gone partly mad. Crazy bout how to win you back. But I just cant, for someone has already won your heart.

But giving up has never been in my vocabulary. I dared to hang on my thinnest thread of chance to show my thin sheet of love. I hanged, I dangled, till I finally reached you. What hurts is I just reached you, but I never won you back. Were back on our old lustful ways. We play with our tongue in dark lights. Counting heartbeats of physical attraction.

I enjoy. I know. But this is not what I want. I really know that. It's you that I want, not your lips, not your body, not your face. It's only you. Just by hearing your voice, just by laughing on your unfunny jokes gives me this kind of happiness that I know it's not lust, and nothing is lustful in it. I give you what you want, what you need, I don't even mind the fact that I cant even give it to myself, as long as that serves a ticket for me to spend minutes of talk and staring your face.

You told me that its not just me whose playing in that commitment, for your playing too. It must be the most desperate line I said, but I said it with tears in my heart: Will you play with me again?

"I wont."

That's it. That broke me to pieces.

That must be the words that says, let's stay as fucking friends.

I will. I will. But I don't know how long could I stay. For the more I play with your body, the more this knife in my heart push deeper.

Lust as they say, but what I really want is to feel your love in your every kiss.

If I could just own you just like the way I own your lips every time we do it just for fun, I will make you feel happy and proud having me as your owner.

That's not a promise. That's a deal.

LOOOOOVE!

Love!

Anong napala co sa LOVE?

Pimples!

Eyebags!

at broken hart! napuyat aco't di nakapagstudy sa trigo!

bagsak tuloy ako!

GAAABAAA!





ttoooogsh! back to the real world (hey! that's still real!) !

For all that who know me and still doesn't know me, I'm Carl Ace, Carl, Ace, Rikdoy, C.A., Dhoie, Junjun, Junnibellx( well, i hate this one :< ). YFC brother and a freshman bagtik CMU-AN taking up Doctor of Veterinary Medicine, gwapo( Wiiih?! deh ngaH!) , but gwapa rin daw, loves gray, black, brown, country songs (except everything from Inday Taylor Swept), friends, facebook, Bible, sleeping, cheating, foods, more foods, heavy foods, and hates RNB, gays, and love stories, and status: drastically in pain due to severe GUGMATITIS(inflammation of the heart better known as broken heart).

Jolly as may seem, but I'm not. Some new friends see me plastic but that's kinda real no! no! for there's such a characteristic of a living organism called "ADAPTATION"(remember your Bio-onse), and I'm just doing it all the time; at least you know i'm "LIVING" and ain't no PLASTIC(ang wa kagets di malangit.).

My classmates find me noisy and parrotish(new word!hihi) because I always punch that whole line of nestea's add, even making my own version like that's one above. They find that sometimes funny but now a mere nuisance and another contribution of mine to the geeks' greatest enemy, noise pollution but ah-uh, I ain't absurd to rephrase and paraphrase that line over and over again for no reason, of course I got one. I love to punch that because that's also a one-billion question of my mind, WHY?!(sir duropan? pinagmanahan?), why love is somehow I find worthy enough to burn time for but what had it done to me, just a gugmatitis.

If you had read my previous blog post I published last year, you'll see how love caused me sooo much pain and led me to this incurable disease. Still the same, praying same line over and over again, in meals and before sleeping hours. However, I just find things clearer by now.

I consulted friends, talked to my parents, and done every way possible to take me out from my own life's upheaval. But no one advised me better that the Bible did. Some verses in 1 Corinthians and 1 John made me understand love more.

Love is something due to chemical reactions in your body led by some pheromones if you let the chemistry department define it for you. However, I find love as something that flared up from just a mere infatuation that might end you up to an everlasting relationship(that's every lovers wish to have), or the other way around, gugmatitis.

It is a great feeling of admiration and everything beautiful under the sun that you want to express with all your might. However, if your as unfortunate as me, you'll find out that love is an ecstasy you want to achieve but not at all times your entitled to avail it. That's the time, if you're misguided, that you'll start hating love as if it's some sort of evil or maybe a 3 unit sociology with no field-trip(i hate it!).

Remember: Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. (1 John 4:18)

Many of teens like me experience a forbidden love. In my case, I'm inlove with someone I nicknamed "Spongebob", who is a 'he', and also in love with my closest friend( and here in CMU, a close friend is your family here;) ). Yes its so painful and I'm asking God every night to remove this feeling magically just like how it came to me. Yet no answer like"yes" has come.


By time, I just accepted that that love isn't meant to exist(even in fairy tales) and what I need to do is to guide myself rightly out of this chemical reaction. Though there's no more happiness I could ever cry for than winning this losing battle, I still opt to quit. There's no sense fighting for and proving that I could love better for even the "Law of Nature" hinders me to achieve what I want.

I have given my best, even sacrificed my pride and dignity for that love. But I don't regret that, for in this whole process of moving on , I got lessons that any books wont teach me. Now at least I had established my principles bout loving, and I know within me that I'm near to be ripe enough to have a love that would last and have a someone to love that would treasure my worth.

Lesson learned: Our heart is in the left side of our body. That is something that tells not all love is right, yet all real love, right or wrong, is hard to get rid of. That must be unfair, but this is all part of my journey, the memories and pain, and God would sum it up to make me ripe enough, a Carl Ace that's "full-packed", for short, ready na!

I Miss Spongebob ;(

"My friends think I'm moving on,
But the truth is I'm not that strong.
Nobody knows it but me. .

I kept all the words you said,
On a box underneath my bed.
Nobody knows it but me. .

But if your happy, I'll get through somehow.
.
But the truth is I've been screaming out. ."

Teary eyes. How am i going to start this...uhm...

Just like Regina Spektor's "The Call":

It started out as a feeling,
which then grew into a hope;
which then turned into a quiet thought;
which then turned into a quiet word.
And then that word grew louder and louder ---

until it was a battle cry.

And look at me now. I end up singing Lady Antebellum's "All We'd Ever Need".

Maybe some things are just meant to end up like this. For I gave hope a damn chance, here is a me, ended up bullshitted. If I had only believed my friends (and my superego) saying its not going to work out and it would just hurt, i must not have been like this---every night crying on my pillow while my soul's screaming my prayers.

It was 6 months ago since my weird hypothalamus forced my heart to beat for "Spongebob". Since then, I look forward to wake up every morning seeing his face; going to school and sit beside or near his seat; and eating beside or in-front his beautiful smile.

My effort was never wasted. At that time, he pays attention to me; talks and laughs with me; and enjoys our early college days together with me. For that, I felt that somehow, though I know it couldn't be more than this, I'm special for him.

My life story with Spongebob flowed smoothly, like a deep river of friendship until one day, we had a misunderstanding. Its not really a big deal but it ruined a lot. For 3 weeks, we never spoke with each other. And it just trudged its way worse than ever after our Humanities 11 field trip, when I discovered logically that he feels something like love to my closest friend. Like buildings falling down to their knees, my world waned.

Like a deep peaceful river that soon would end up to the wanderer's sea, we came to a sudden end. Prayers beseeching God to help me forget Spongebob became a nightly ritual to my life. Till one day, pain finally fully drained my barrels of tears, I learned to accept things and moved on. But goddamn it, I never actually did.

Though I knew that my Spongebob had found someone to love, my foolish heart still continued loving him, and never came to an end. Like a fish in sardines can, I kept on forcing my mere presence to fit, and never had realized that loving a person whose already in love with someone else is like shooting myself with a gun of unlimited bullets.

Sembreak: The Start of the End.

After an outing with Spongebob and our friends, they invited me to sleep on the dorm where Spongebob sleeps. Without thinking about something you know, I, with full innocence, accepted the invitation. If I just knew then what I know now, I must have not bit on the evil's bait.

"Lord, please keep me away from temptation," my prayer before I slept. But for a temptation served as you wished, who would have dream of escaping? I bit, and was reeled. He offered me to sleep with him, got no choice (for other bets got no cushion and sheath), I did. He then offered some dark game, you know, but I stood resistant of the word "NO", for I know that in the morning he would soon realize how creepy what we could have done, and he would hate me for life.

But Justin Time know its rules, and Grim Reaper had finally succeed in pushing me down to my grave, alive. His insistence gave me no escape. A kiss blew me away from my feet. It started with a kiss, and the rest is history. Let's put it simply this way, the night gave me all the time to explore his temple.Til now I couldn't believe on what happened. I never dreamed or craved for this, but the most impossible things to exist just paved its way to existence.

I did that for I love him. But he did it out of lust--he just felt horny.

We decided to keep that as a secret. But I cant stand it. Every night I cry because of the fact that even though we made love, Spongebob never loved me like I do. Do you know how it feels? It's like you want to explode, you want to escape the painful fact. I even attempted suicide. But I guess loads of medicine is not enough to end my agony. I woke up in the morning; failed.

Cornered, I seek for advice. I told my 3 closest friends about what happen. But my fault is one of my closest friend is the woman she love. I didn't mean to turn her off, really. But I guess it's too late.

Truth or Dare: An Ender's Game.

The pen pointed me. "TRUTH," I exclaimed.

"Did something really happen between you and "Spongebob"?

And there the world turned upside-down. Lips paled. Knees knocked each other faster than the speed of my heartbeat.

"How come he knew?" The only thing inside me rolling.

All of them are screaming its obvious! And I screamed NOTHING HAPPENED.

"Hey, I got a tricky question, when you did it, with clothes or with out clothes?"

I answered faster than the speed of light. "WITH CLOTHES!"

I was dis-oriented mentally at that moment, and I thought "with clothes" as an answer would save me. But it's too late when I realized it.

Aftermath: The End.

Telling them to keep it didn't save me. As expected, he knew about the truth or dare thingy, and our secret was no less than a hot topic roaming around our circle of friends.

"And you're so proud?!"

He bawled through text. I tried to stay calm but he never did. All the taboo word that he could scream he screamed. But I still managed to control my emotions. It's my own damn pole-vault anyway.

The day after, I seek for an advice from our common friend. At her side, my tears conquered its barrier. I cried. I cried til the last tear dried on the table.

"It would really hurt." She said.

Days later, he told me that he's sorry for all of those words. He also said that we have to forget that thing happened. But he requested that for the meantime, he wont love our past friendship would come back as is.

I kept a distance. Not just because he requested but because I lost the trust that I gave to our friends.

After Club Praise: What was Ended has Ended.

Thru SMS:

SP: What's wrong. Everything has ended.

Me: Bitch. Lusty.Insensitive. Fuck. Shit. Yawa. I never heard so much of that meant for me til the day I met you.

SP: I have already said sorry, Carl.And please understand me, I was drunk that time.But, I'm really sorry.

Me: Sorry? What's that? Joke. Well, I just dont get it why the bunch of you pound those words into my eardrum when at first place, I don't deserve it because I am not you. When I dug into history, the only wrong that I did was I hang onto your lust, blinded by the mere fact that I love you more than my dignity.

SP: So you wont really forgive me Carl?

I didn't replied. However, I sent a group message saying:

" If sorry could just heal the pain, I could have used it rather than attempting suicide."



Actually, I have already forgiven him, since the day he caused me too pain. However, forgiveness is different when it comes to my perspective. Forgiveness is just a gate for a new beginning, never a cure for a problem. Still, my broken trust to my friends is under construction, and it would really take time to gain full cure.

Pride is really a barrier.

"Lord God, I hope the day would come that he would realize how much I love him. But now I'm not wishing to have him. Just give him the happiness he wants, and I'll be happy. Don't mind if it would hurt me. In Christ I pray. Amen."